What the FUD is that?!

My first procedure is called a lower body lift with lateral thigh lift. This includes a full tummy tuck, a buttocks lift and a thigh lift. I will have a circular incision that will go around me in a full circle at the pelvic level (to be hidden by a not too skimpy bikini bottom) and a vertical incision inside each thigh from groin to knee. This is nearly 6-8 hours of surgery by a team of two surgeons.

You can imagine that moving after that, especially sitting down and standing back up, will be a pain in the ass, quite literally! So, in anticipation of this, I decided to shop for a device that would let me pee standing. Yep! This has a number of benefits: I don't touch any toilet seat, so less risk of an infection, I don't have to sit and stand up, so less pain, and I get to feel the Ultimate Power of the Manly Man, the one thing that seems to have deluded them into thinking that they run the world. Ha!

In my quest to find the ideal apparatus for my purpose, I have come across some strangely shaped devices with the most hilarious names. Some were oddly shaped funnels (the Whiz), futuristic test-tubes (the SheWee), or ping-pong paddle shaped shields (My Sweet Pee). Honorable mentions for name creativity go out to Whizzy, T-Pee, PeeZee and EZ2P. Honorable mention in the instructional category goes out to P-Mate. Winner of the silliest name is the Freshette, and winner of the most outrageous FUD (Female Urinary Director, the proper term for these devices) is by far the Shenis. Clearly, this last one is not very practical to carry around in a purse.

After several minutes spent contemplating the pros and cons of each, I placed my order. I am now the proud owner of a pink Freshette! I thought it might be wise to test it and practice before I was actually in pain. That turned out to be a good idea, indeed. Whew! What fun I had alone in the bathroom those first few times.

Ladies, to pee standing is not as easy as it looks! The first, and most unforeseen complication was bladder shyness. I was there, standing in front of the bowl, holding my Freshette with one hand and directing the hose with the other and... nothing. Zip. I could feel my bladder was full, but nothing came out. I tried to relax the muscles, but still nothing. I closed my eyes, exhaled slowly while thinking "if you can do this, you can rule the world," and suddenly my golden road to a gift of power started flowing.

The second, and more predictable obstacle was the aim. I was on my air cadet squadron's shooting team so I'm a pretty good shot. Nevertheless and despite my hose being longer than most men's, I still had a hard time aiming. It turned out that I had also overlooked the collateral splash damage. All in all, a most enlightening experience.

What about the Manly Man power, you ask? Well, to pee standing is definitely a hassle under normal bathroom circumstances, in my opinion. Sitting is more comfortable and cleaner. However, having an alternative for nasty public restrooms is a non-negligible advantage. I think the power is in knowing about the options and having the freedom to choose the one that suits the situation. Ladies, you don't have to squat down over poison ivy and drip on your ankles when you go camping anymore. Man up and give it a shot!